Heal Thyself
by La Enamorada
Summary: Two damaged men attempt to prepare Harry Potter to meet his destiny. But in order to truly help Harry, they'll have to learn to trust each other, and themselves. SS-RL
1. Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas

"Are you going to drink the damned potion or not, Lupin? I haven't got all night."

"Dumbledore doesn't even know about this, does he?"

"About my discovery, yes, he knows. About me actually giving you the potion tonight, no."

Remus hesitated another moment, staring at the goblet in his hands.

"Had I intended to poison you, I assure you that it would have been accomplished with greater subtlety."

"I want to know why you're doing this. If it's not by Dumbledore's order, why would you help me? What's in it for you?"

"Drink that, and I'll tell you."

Remus drank. He had very little to lose. And if Snape was right, this could change everything.

----------

"As I have reported to the Order, I have recently had a good bit of unsupervised access to the Brotherhood's archives, attempting to find some curatives that might relieve the more... unpleasant... side-effects of the Dark Lord's resurrection. In one of the scrolls on ailments of the blood, I found an obscure reference to what appeared to be a temporary cure for werewolves. My initial assumption was that it was most probably referring to a precursor to the modern Wolfsbane. I thought it might be of interest nonetheless. However, once I was able to locate and translate the original text, I realized that I had found something far more valuable."

"And it's just been... _hidden_ from the world, all this time?"

"It wasn't ever meant to be shared - remember the sort of wizards we are talking about, Lupin. According to the reference I found, this potion was developed to cure one particular member of the Brotherhood's inner circle over a thousand years ago - who was, of course, not interested in allowing his condition become widely known. Then the information was just stored away among the Brotherhood's papers and forgotten. In fact, considering the age and origin of this potion, I'm surprised it was ever written down at all. It's possible that it may have been used to... conceal the occasional infected member over the years, but in general, _healing_ magics are not what the Brotherhood's library is renowned for. I doubt anyone's even looked for it."

"You'd think they'd have tried to use it to control the werewolf population - the new infections, anyway."

"An entirely too humane solution to the problem for their tastes, I should think. They probably preferred to simply _kill_ known werewolves - at least those not well-connected enough for them to consider offering a cure. In any case, the Brotherhood has never been inclined to share knowledge. And the medieval leadership was particularly paranoid about outsiders - beyond the usual wards, the texts themselves from that era are written so that critical elements of the magic are missing. Even if someone outside the Brotherhood were to have come across this and somehow managed to break through all of the warding without getting himself killed, it would still have been useless without some extremely arcane knowledge of potions and Dark Magic."

"Which you happen to have."

Snape smirked. "Indeed."

"So you were able to re-create the potion. But how can you be certain of the results?"

"The blood and tissue samples I took from you a few months ago were not merely for more tests on the effects of Wolfsbane – I needed them for preliminary tests on the new potion, before I could be certain of its effects on a living subject."

"And you think it _will_ work?"

"Would I be sitting in a room with you waiting for the full moon to rise if I were not fully confident?"

"But you didn't tell Dumbledore you were giving it to me. Does that mean that he thinks it's not ready?"

"It means he thought that there were more important uses of my time than pursuing this. I disagreed, and continued work without his sanction. The potential benefit was simply too great."

"You're telling me -- to be able to have a normal life. That would be... _Gods._ I don't even want to let myself hope for that."

"You should understand that this will not be an actual _cure_, per se - not even a temporary one. The lycanthropy will still be in your blood. You'll still have most of your secondary symptoms, such as the allergy to silver."

"But the actual transformation into wolf form will be suppressed entirely?"

"Yes - for a period of twelve moon cycles. After that, you will require another dose of the potion."

"It's still more than I ever dared to hope for. But you still haven't told me what's in it for you. We've never been friends, Severus - I know better than to think this was done out of kindness."

"Certainly not."

"Then, why?"

"Because I have a vested interest in seeing the Dark Lord defeated."

"I wasn't aware that you had such a high opinion of my abilities."

"Don't flatter yourself, Lupin. This isn't about you. This is about my responsibility to the students of Hogwarts."

"I don't follow."

"They will not be spared in the coming war because of their youth and inexperience. It is imperative that they be prepared to fight. Which means that they will need a qualified and trustworthy Defense instructor."

"And you think that should be you?"

"I _know_ it should be me. But the person whose opinion on the matter counts does not agree."

"You think this is the way to convince him?"

"I'm through trying to convince him. Oh, I applied again of course, mostly out of habit. But my list of shortcomings in Dumbledore's eyes is as long as ever. Add to that the failed Occlumency lessons with Potter, and I must assume that my application will receive even less consideration than usual."

"I still don't understand what any of that has to do with me."

"That is because you are especially dense. I shall spell it out for you, then: if this potion works, I will have made it possible for you to serve as the DADA professor at Hogwarts."

"But... you were the one who made sure I was let go?"

Snape looked away. "I... miscalculated. There were very good reasons for my actions at the time, which I should note that I do not regret. I thought you should pay for not telling us what you knew of Black's animagus form, and I thought you were a genuine danger to the students, since you seemed incapable of remembering your Wolfsbane. Moreover, I wanted you the Hell out of my space. But I cannot deny that many of the difficulties of the last couple of years might have been avoided had you remained at Hogwarts."

"You did this... so that Dumbledore can hire me back?"

"Not exactly. You are rather incidental. As I see it, I helped to create a weakness in our defenses, which has furthermore put the students of Hogwarts at greater risk. I am now doing what I can to rectify the situation – by putting a trusted, qualified person whom I am certain Dumbledore will approve - in a position to take the job."

"People will still know I'm a werewolf, Severus. Even if I don't transform. They're not just going to forget about that."

"_That_ is precisely the reason that the secrecy around this potion suits us well. Even the Brotherhood has forgotten its existence. What we will achieve tonight is impossible as far as almost everyone alive is concerned. Remember also that very few people have actually ever _seen_ you transform, and all save Pettigrew are on our side. For everyone else, your lycanthropy is hearsay. All we have to do is have you be seen publicly at full moon - setting up the situation so that it is clear that it isn't another Wizard using Polyjuice..."

"And I'll be given a clean bill of health."

"Exactly."

"But, the Death Eaters are sure to know something's up. Peter..."

Snape cut him off. "I'm sure the Death Eaters will be aware that you actually ARE a werewolf, but I think you over-estimate the extent to which the Dark Lord actually cares about what happens to you."

"I meant... If they _know_ I must have been cured somehow, might they not be able to guess that the potion came from the Brotherhood's library? That would lead straight back to you, wouldn't it?"

"It might have done, if I were fool enough not to test the waters before proceeding. But as I'd guessed, they aren't particularly interested in the magics that aren't directly related to the war effort, or to the Dark Lord's preservation. Now, if your touching concern for my safety has been allayed - was I correct in assuming you'll take the job?"

"Severus, the one thing in the world I have wished most for, other than a cure, is the chance to teach again."

Snape smiled thinly. "So glad to be of service."

Remus smiled back. "I _do_ appreciate that this is costing you, Severus. I wonder what your students would say, if they knew how much you actually care for them."

"Spare me your inane sentimentality, Lupin. My type of _care_ is not something that those dunderheads will ever appreciate. Just take the bloody job, and do it well."

"Severus, I'm just... speechless."

"Good. I do hope that means you'll shut up."

****

----------

****

Remus looked out the window of the shack into the benign face of the full moon, grateful tears welling in his eyes. It was long moment before he found his voice.

"It worked. Severus - it actually worked."

"Apparently."

"Severus, this is just... I can't begin to..."

"Don't."

"Right. Well. I owe you."

Snape snorted, and swept out of the Shrieking Shack without another word.

----------

Remus had missed teaching, but he had not at all missed the interminable staff meetings. Dumbledore had droned on for the better part of an hour before finally getting to the announcement on the DADA post.

"Last year showed that this important position must be filled by someone who not only has an extensive knowledge of the subject matter and its application, but also someone who has a proven commitment to teaching and protecting the students of this school. I have chosen a candidate based on the strength of these qualifications, and chosen to overlook some... difficulties that had previously barred this person from consideration in the past."

Throughout Dumbeldore's little introduction, Severus sat with his arms folded tightly across his chest, glaring with fierce intensity at Remus. Remus could almost hear the thought Severus was sending his way - _"You'd better be worth this, Lupin."_

Remus smiled slightly and nodded back at him. He owed Severus a great debt. And poor though was, Remus Lupin always paid his debts. He made sure that he was looking Severus full in the face as Dumbledore finished making his announcement.

"Therefore, this year the Defense position will be taken by... Severus Snape." 

----------

**to be continued...**

----------

_Author's Note_: Based on (yet another) idea that sprung from something I wrote for LeoGryffin's 30MinuteFics over on Live Journal. If these were my characters and I was making money off of them, I would owe her a cut of the proceeds. But as they aren't and I'm not, she has my thanks for the inspiration.


	2. Virtute non astutia

The announcement stunned the entire room into momentary silence, with the exception of a few audible gasps. Even Snape's few friends on the staff looked shocked by the news, particularly since Remus had so obviously been set up as the heir presumptive, sitting right there next to McGonagall.

Flitwick had actually choked on his tea, and Hooch was slapping him soundly on the back as he tried to catch his breath.

Pretty much everyone else was looking from Remus, who smiled back as placidly as he could, to Severus.

Remus wished he'd caught Severus's initial look of wide-eyed disbelief on film, because it didn't last long. Just now, he was scowling warily, as though waiting for all of it to turn out to be an elaborate joke. _Poor Severus,_ Remus thought, a little sadly. _I wonder if he's ever really let himself enjoy a moment._ Even werewolves, after all, had their good days. But not, apparently, overgrown bats.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore had hardly paused for the staff's reaction, continuing right on as though he had just announced the day's weather. He briefly covered the other changes in staffing assignments - Cordelia Klemm (one of Snape's former Slytherins who had lately taught Ancient Runes) would be taking over Potions, Remus would be teaching Ancient Runes, Gretchen Grubbly-Plank would return as the permanent COMC instructor and Fierenze the Centaur would remain at Hogwarts for at least another year to teach Divination - then sent everyone on their way.

"It is far too fine a day to waste listening to an old man ramble. That will be all for today, I think. Thank you for your time, and do remember that we are scheduled to meet again on Friday at nine. Severus, Remus and Cordelia, I'd like you to stay behind a moment to discuss the details of your new assignments with myself and Minerva."

The other staff members milled about a bit before leaving, murmuring amongst themselves. A few stopped to welcome Remus back, and a few brave (or foolhardy) souls attempted to congratulate Severus, who hadn't yet stopped scowling. Snape accepted most of the proffered felicitations with curt nods and the occasional grunt. But when Sprout, who had always shown an inexplicable soft spot for Snape, toddled over to offer Severus an unsolicited hug along with her warm congratulations, Remus noted that Severus did manage a few words and small smile for her.

The scowl returned full-force however as Severus crossed the room to where Minerva and Remus were standing.

"I would have thought that today of all days we would have gotten an actual smile out of you, Severus," sniffed Minerva.

"And I would have expected much wailing and gnashing of teeth from you. What a day for surprises."

"You may not believe this, you insufferable young man, but I have more than once supported your application for the Defense position."

"Hmm. More than once, you say? So you actually supported me over Lockhart and Umbridge? I'm touched."

"Yes, I actually _did_, in both cases. And this time as well, if you must know. Though you're already starting to make me regret that."

"_Really_," sneered Severus, crossing his arms. "I'm supposed to believe that Lupin here wasn't your first choice?"

"As a matter of fact Severus," said Dumbledore, who had wandered over to their little group in his usual unobtrusive manner. "Minerva was the one to _champion_ your selection this time - over _all_ of the other candidates. Spoke rather eloquently on your behalf, as I recall."

Remus had the pleasure of seeing that fleeting moment of surprise on Severus's face for the second time that morning.

"Headmaster, I..."

"I'm sure you have some questions about all of this, Severus, and I do promise that we shall come to those in a moment. However, let us get the tedious administrative details out of the way first. I'm sure Cordelia and Remus would like to be on their way."

----------

The details were worked out.

Severus would hand off his Potions lesson plans to Professor Klemm, who would in turn pass off her Ancient Runes plans to Remus to use as a guide. And Severus, to Remus's surprise, managed to decline access to Remus's old DADA plans with only a minimum of condescension.

The Slytherin affinity for the dungeons made the classroom and office space allocation simple: Severus would keep his private potions laboratory and current office space. The Potions classroom would remain in the dungeons, but would be moved closer to Klemm's current office, which she would also retain. The DADA classroom remained where it had been since Remus's schooldays, but a passage would be created to allow Snape to travel to and from his office quickly. Remus was free to choose any open classroom and office he liked. He chose to take his old office back, and promised a decision on classroom space by Friday.

That done, Klemm went on her way, and Remus also made to leave.

"Oh _do_ stay, Lupin," said Snape silkily. "I suspect that you're involved in this somehow."

"I wasn't aware of any conspiracy, Severus. But I'll stay if you wish."

"Now, Severus," said Dumbledore mildly, "I believe you had questions for me?"

"Just one. Why now?"

"Well, I do usually announce the new teaching assignments at the first staff meeting of the year..." replied Dumbledore, with a twinkle.

Snape's eyes narrowed in irritation. "You know what I mean - your choice of Defense instructor."

"I had rather hoped that you would not find much reason to complain about my staffing choices this year, Severus."

"He's complained every year since he's been here. Why should this one be any different?" said Minerva, tartly.

Severus glared at her. "It's not a complaint. It's a fair question. That you haven't answered."

"Well, as I explained, I felt that we needed a trusted person with a commitment to the students of this school. Which, if I am not greatly mistaken, is an accurate description of you."

"And unless _I_ am greatly mistaken, that would have accurately described me every other time I have applied for this job. And yet that has never been nearly enough in your estimation. Not even when the alternative was Dolores Umbridge. I might understand the sudden change of heart if you were in a similar situation this year – but you clearly had other viable options. I myself saw to it that you had _him_ available, in the interest of averting another disaster. Yet this time you chose me instead. So I repeat: why now?"

"I'll ask you this: Why do you think I have declined your application in the past?"

"I have been made to understand that my... _history_... with the Dark Arts has kept you from selecting me, in spite of all I have done since."

"And in part, that is correct - I have indeed had my concerns about putting you in a situation involving constant exposure to Dark Magic. Especially considering that you have also had to continue the practice of Dark spells to maintain your cover."

"You didn't have full confidence in my loyalties, in other words."

"Not so, Severus. I have had full faith in your loyalty from the day you joined us - as your assignments for the Order have borne out. But I did feel that you had not yet learned to insulate yourself from the potential damage caused by additional exposure to Dark Magic, nor had you shown much sign of overcoming the damage that had already been done. Quite simply, you were at risk, and I could not afford to lose you. "

"Please explain the difference to me."

"Severus, you of all people should be aware that extended exposure to the Dark Arts can seriously damage the soul of even a very good man."

"So just _imagine_ what they must have done to a soul such as mine," Severus replied bitterly.

Dumbledore sighed. Remus guessed that he'd had several similar conversations with Severus over the years. "I did not mean to suggest that I think you have been damaged beyond repair. I have, in fact, long hoped that you would begin to show signs of having healed. Or rather, that you would finally _allow_ yourself to heal."

"So I've finally served my penance after all this time? Is that what you've decided?"

"There was no _penance_, Severus, except perhaps in your own mind. But I have lately become convinced that you can cope now with the demands this job will place on you."

"I... I just don't understand what's changed."

"_You_ have, Severus."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Remus told Minerva and I all about your motivations for developing that potion against my orders - in the middle of his own job interview, I'll have you know. I'll be honest – I was surprised to learn what you'd done. One of the reasons I did not ask you to continue with the research on that potion was that I feared it was too much to ask to make you clear the way for your rival. But it seems I underestimated you."

"So you think because I went ahead and helped Lupin without your sanction that I've changed in some significant way? I hate to shatter your illusions, but I'm the same manner of man I've always been. That is, a Slytherin. I saw a way to improve our chances of winning and I pursued it. That's all."

So it seemed that Minerva's earlier observation about Snape had been right - Severus's need to cling to his bastard-persona _was_ apparently more important to him than even his own ambitions. Dumbledore had expressed deep concerns about Severus's temperament in the discussions over the DADA post, and at the time had seemed less convinced than Minerva and Remus that this was the right decision. They'd had finally convinced the Headmaster to agree to just let Severus have the chance to prove that he could do it - especially since otherwise his qualifications really couldn't be better.

Remus wasn't about to let Snape spoil this for himself. It was time to speak up.

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Severus. You were ready to give up something you wanted very badly to me - a man whom you detest – not so much to win the war, but because you felt it was the best way to help the students learn to defend themselves."

"I wasn't exactly _giving up_ anything. I had no reason to believe that I would actually get this position. If I'd thought I had the minutest chance to have the job for myself, I'd never have helped you, Lupin."

"Are you trying to talk us out of this, Severus?" asked Dumbledore. But Remus was relieved to see that the Headmaster was looking faintly amused.

"No. But I you should be fully aware that I still am who I am."

"That is, indeed, what Minerva and I were hoping for. We are also quite heavily invested in winning this war, as it happens."

Severus blinked, taking in the implications that statement. But he continued to press. "I want your assurance that I will be allowed to teach this class as I see fit."

"Have I ever interfered with your teaching?" Dumbledore asked innocently.

"On a near-constant basis." Severus put up a placating hand as Minerva opened her mouth to protest. "As is your prerogative, I acknowledge. But I would like _your_ acknowledgement that this is not Potions – that it is about far more important things than OWL scores and House points. If I am to be fully successful at teaching these children everything they need to know, I must be allowed full control over my classroom. I must not be forced to soften my methods. Either you trust me to handle this or you do not."

"It sounds as if it is you who does not trust me," said Dumbledore quietly.

That seemed to give Snape pause, but only for a moment. "I just want you to be aware of where I stand. I will resign rather than give anything less than my all to this class. If you want a softer touch, I suggest you take Lupin instead, before it's too late."

"That is something I did have to consider - that some students will continue to have difficulty working with you. Actually, Minerva and Remus had some fine suggestions as to how we might get round that." said Dumbledore, thoughtfully. "But we'll come back to that in a moment. First, I need you to realize that this is not a job I have bestowed upon you as some sort of reward for good behavior. My choice may have been influenced by your helping Remus, but mostly I was interested in appointing you on the strength of your knowledge and experience, and also precisely because of your rather... demanding method of teaching."

Minerva continued, "After their experiences with Dolores Umbridge, most of our students are woefully behind in their knowledge of Defense. Except for the few that participated in Potter's student association, of course. I believe we can trust you with bringing them up to speed quickly."

"And what _about_ Potter?"

Minerva raised an eyebrow, and Snape shrugged. "It always comes back to him, doesn't it? So I might as well bring this up now - the boy refuses to learn if I am the one teaching him. And in spite of what he seems to believe, he doesn't know every damned thing."

"I believe that Harry is the one who needs your instruction the most, though he may not be ready to understand that. And you, Severus, need to put aside your feelings and find a way to teach the boy what he needs to know."

"And after the Occlumency disaster, you still think I can do that?" Severus seemed oddly vulnerable, looking from Dumbledore to McGonagall for response.

Dumbledore paused, looking thoughtfully at Severus, and then nodded. "I do. Especially since you will not be left to handle him by yourself this time."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that I think this should be a team effort. We all realize that Harry has inherited much of his father's stubbornness - he will not simply accept you as a mentor, nor can we rely on him to come around on his own. We must find a way to persuade him gently, using resources that may seem... counterintuitive at first. People Harry already works well with. "

"Which brings us back to Lupin."

"Except that my knowledge is mostly theoretical rather than practical," Remus interjected. "Harry already has more practical experience than I do - and will very soon be beyond what I can teach him. _You're_ the one he needs to talk to."

"And you're going to persuade him to start coming to me for help? Not bloody likely - he couldn't even bring himself to do that when he thought his beloved Godfather's life was at stake."

Remus shook his head. "And there was a dear cost to him, to all of us, because of that lack of trust. He'll see that in time. He'll have to. Because now it's all our lives at stake."

"All of us here understand the importance of this, Severus," said Dumbledore, "and we will do what we can to make this work out. I promise you - you'll have the support you need. I do appreciate that you generally prefer to work alone, but I must ask that you work closely with us to achieve the desired results with Harry."

"I… think I can do that. But what of the rest of the students? I imagine that Potter isn't the only one who will be seeking Lupin out instead of me." Severus smirked at Remus. "Might build yourself quite the little side-business there, Lupin. Be sure to save a spot for Longbottom."

Remus smirked back. "He's already down for Tuesday evenings. Moral support for the Wednesday morning practicum with you."

Snape snorted. "The boy's already stood up to some actual Death Eaters and lived to tell the tale. He should be able to survive me. But at least you've had some success with getting through to him in the past - I afraid I can't say the same."

"He just needs some confidence, Severus. And a bit of practice. That's mostly what he got out of Harry and Hermione's student association, which apparently had some success with him as well." Remus rather doubted that Severus would somehow miraculously develop the patience to do this by term-time, but he hoped some of his advice might sink in.

But the need for patience was apparently was not the part of his statement that Snape picked up on. Severus turned back to face the Headmaster to ask, "And what of this student association of Potter's? Do you expect it will now continue with faculty sanction?"

Remus and Minerva exchanged a glance. They had anticipated no small amount of resistance from Snape at the prospect of allowing Potter to run what amounted to a rival classroom.

"We had rather hoped that it would," said Minerva, "Considering the positive results."

"You consider having a group of wayward students breaking into the Ministry to confront a band of Death Eaters _by themselves_ to be a positive result?"

Minerva glanced uneasily at Dumbledore before she continued. "I certainly don't condone the rash action, but you can hardly argue with the children's results. And it was such an excellent experience for Potter - taught him leadership, and…"

"I have no intention of interfering." Snape cut her off, sounding weary.

It was Minerva's turn to look surprised.

Snape sighed. "Most of the children will view me as an adversary - which as you've noted suits our purpose. While that might bring out the best in some, it may produce the very opposite result in others. The student Defense group provides the opportunity for them to practice their skills in a neutral environment. If that makes them more prepared, so much the better."

Snape paused, a wry smile playing at the corners of his mouth. "Perhaps it might be better to let Potter think he's defying me, though. He'll put that much more _effort_ into it."

Dumbledore chuckled softly. "I'm glad that you've chosen to be philosophical, Severus. It's true that this group should probably be working in conjunction with the professor in the subject area, but…. Well, perhaps that will come, in time."

"Perhaps."

"Well then, it seems as though we have a viable plan of action. Not a bad morning's work. Shall I send for some tea and biscuits then?"

As Dumbledore called up Dobby to arrange for the tea service, Minerva turned to Remus and said, with obvious pride, "Potter _did_ have remarkable success getting through to Longbottom, didn't he? Perhaps he should go into teaching."

Snape shuddered. "Bite your _tongue_, Minerva."

There was a flash in the office's fireplace, and a note appeared in the grate. Dumbledore summoned it to him.

"I might have preferred hearing all of this before the announcement was made publicly." Snape said quietly to the others.

"For that you may justly blame me, Severus," said Minerva. "I wanted to surprise you."

"Because you know that I enjoy surprises."

Minerva, to Remus's surprise, actually _giggled_. "Because I know how much you detest them. Forgive an old Gryffindor her bit of mischief."

Severus rolled his eyes, but he'd finally begun to relax just a bit.

Only for a moment though, for Dumbledore interrupted, looking concerned. "Excuse me for changing the subject, but it seems we have a situation. Harry Potter has gone missing from the Dursleys'."

-----

**tbc...**


End file.
